Bling's Life

Shan's Bday Video

2011-10-01T22:47:00.001+08:00

2011-08-29T20:36:00.002+08:00

Holiday

2011-08-24T02:33:00.000+08:00

EXAMS OVER!

Now I’ll be having a short holiday and off I go for my 6-months attachment. Although I feel relieved that this semester is over, I still need to worry for my grades, keeping in mind that I have to retake the module if I fail.

My life is full of worries.

So right after my paper, I went home to put down my stuffs before heading out again to Lot One and to Jurong Point. I feel like a retard shopping all alone.

What to expect? I’m a loner anyway.

I still remember last time I always have someone for companion. I missed those secondary school days. It’s been 3 years. I’m already 19.

It's pretty late and i don't want to type any further, stopping here. Goodnight.

Examination

2011-08-21T02:03:00.003+08:00

I'm rotting my time away when examination is starting on the following Monday with Maritime Management and last paper on the next day, Tuesday for International Purchasing.

F-C-U-K

I haven’t even started my revision for the latter module and am only halfway through MM. Damn it.

Tan Hwee Leng, you need to buck up from this moment like seriously please...these 2 papers hold a major percentage in your overall grade. It will determine a fail or a pass in your module.

Time is limited. I am getting pissed off by myself. I couldn’t concentrate at all.

Although at points in my life, I feel like giving myself up.

I miss the past me. I need to remember that I was once a top student.

How I wish I can have someone to talk to.

Reflection

2011-08-16T00:19:00.004+08:00

This time round, I got really sad. The feeling is so bad that I couldn't hold back my tears.

After so much arguments and quarrels, I feel so damn fatigue. Sorry guys, it’s all my fault and i’m already blaming myself.

Seriously, I don’t hate Tired anymore.

In fact, I always want to apologize to him that I keep disturbing him. I’m really sorry, didn’t mean to scold you or criticize you. Rest assured that I won’t disturb you anymore.

Let bygones be bygones.

Next, I want to apologize to those people I have hurt, mainly ShanShan and Kann. Although they are innocent, I still vent my anger on them. I’m so bad I swear.

I feel like erasing “friendships” from my memory, mind and heart once and for all.

Maybe you guys cannot understand why I keep saying this kind of thing. It’s because of what I had gone through in the past.

Unhappy

2011-08-14T04:40:00.007+08:00

Thanks 紫幻 who stayed up so late just to accompany me. Yes, I'm feeling much better now. When I'm feeling both sad and angry, eventually sadness will dominates more. I despise myself. Dude, it sucks.

I’m starting to realize how pessimistic I am. I never feel true being myself. I hate the situation I’m facing now. Even though there are friends and families around me, I still feel lonely. I am unable to voice out my stress, my anger, my sadness, my unhappiness.

I got it.

My depression is back. All the crazy emotions I’m feeling prove it. Life don't always go smooth isn’t it?

Perhaps I was born to be a loner.

Wish every tomorrow is a better day.

Friendship

2011-08-13T03:55:00.000+08:00

我想把这篇自己用华文打的字dedicate 给自己。这就是我最近想要写的，说的。

我不想要朋友了，我要把友谊从我的life抛开。我已经对友谊这种东西感到麻木，交朋友后，就会吵架，然后和好，吵架，和好，吵架，和好，自己会很伤心也很气愤。现在友谊淡薄，看到对方就觉得很厌倦，讲起话来也觉得不耐烦，因此不会一起谈心了。以前能后毫无顾忌的向对方诉苦，友谊淡薄了就不能了。我感觉真的好辛苦，感觉历史重演，想起以前被一群好友伤很深到结果加上种种压力得忧郁症。

到今日，我才发现朋友对我来说是一种累赘，也是个很沉重的负担。拥有完美的友谊不能够让我幸福，但破裂的友情却比任何东西还要令我彻底的失望，绝望。我真正的性格是很坏的，我脾气根本就是cui上加cui，所以，从以3年前到现在，身边的好朋友都一个一个的离开我，从来没有一个留在我身边的。我只好接受了。因为，问题在于我。我生气时就会骂，我就是不能忍，也忍不了。如果我忍，我会闷死的。我也是个很不讲道理的人，什么都要赢，就算吵架时，对法说地球是圆的，我也会硬硬反驳说地球是方的。我就是这样的人。

把我从忧郁症拉起来的是我的表妹，姗。她真的很好很好，我非常庆幸有她这个亲人。我从来没有碰过有那么好的人。其他的亲人也对我很好，他们没有排斥我。Hengheng 只是说 "玲，你变肥了hor"。

10个月前，我还是个很孤僻的女子。我还记得，以前我在fb 不曾理我的亲人，几乎没有comment他们的wall或去观看她们的 fb profile，也很少跟她们讲话。过后去年11月我去马来西亚，那天我住姗家，晚上冲完凉我和姗就去hengheng的房间找他讲话，他那时在玩nostale。他就跟姗讲nos的东西可是我都听不懂。然后跟heng讲话到一半时，他和姗就叫我玩nos，heng说不要练level那些也行，上nos 讲话就好，他们说nos的人很好笑，很大炮。回到sg，我就下载nos，就玩玩玩到认识了呆呆的人。他们是我自闭和封闭自己的8个月后交的第一群朋友，也是我第一班的Malaysia 朋友。虽然没有碰过面，但跟他们讲话我会很开心。

当然，在呆呆group认识的朋友，一定会有几个我跟他们会比较近的。就每天online讲话很开心，那是我封闭自己8个月后，第一次感觉开心的。我终于会笑了。因此，那时，每个呆呆人都觉得我是个开心的人，没有烦恼的人。可是，他们从来就不懂我经历过的事。

直到前3个月，我不懂什么东西变了。总之就是有东西变了。那时nos 发生很多争吵，不管是人与人之间或家族与家族之间，就每次吵架。我觉得在nos 我玩得不开心，甚至在呆呆group我也呆得非常不开心。我也跟少数呆呆的人吵架了。最后我在Nostale的那些日子变得很不开心。心想为什么我要认识呆呆人，不认识就不会不开心，吵架了。

最令我非常非常非常失望的就是那个角色名 “我好累” 的人，他真的弄到我很讨厌他。我以前真的把他当成好朋友的。我会找他诉苦和谈心，就像我跟姗谈心那样，什么都说，毫无顾忌的聊天。我真的相信他的。可是最近我跟他的友谊走到了瓶颈，虽然每次跟他吵架到很够力，我每次说我讨厌他，要跟他绝交。可是，我在现时生活中，我真的是伤心到了极点。可是我知道，在其他人的眼里，他们觉得我很生气，我很讨厌“我好累”，可是他们并不知道我也在伤心之中。

加上很多人quit Nostale了。

我也有认识新的朋友，紫幻，Kann , Sok Woon，LongZai 这些是我比较迟认识的。但是我根本不敢跟他们聊心事或其他的。可是我知道他们是好人。

我无法entrust my thoughts and feeling to other people.

但是，当我很无助的时候，又是LOH HWEE SHAN这个每次缠我缠得死死的人把我拉回去。她太cui了。

其实，我换fb就是为了避开他们这群朋友，可是他们add到了我。我又没能拒绝。

有好多次我离开呆呆家族和呆呆fb group，就是为了避开呆呆们，我想要自闭了。我甚至不要玩nos和fb了。不要跟人接触。我也开始慢慢不要与一些人联络，能少讲话就少讲话。就像我很少跟Kann讲话了。

我不要跟你们的友谊像我跟好累的，以前好好的，可是呢，结果破碎了。虽然我很讨厌他很生气他，但我真的很伤心。我不要我跟你们的友谊也是这样的结局。我是很喜欢你们的。

Last week

2011-08-10T02:39:00.005+08:00

This is the last week of school before study week and after that, I'll be having my exam. This week is hectic.

I will be having PEL presentation and test tomorrow.

It's almost 3am now and FINALLY I'm done compiling all the files needed for submission. Because of this frigging project thing, I didn't study for my test at all.

I'm like so irritated. I hate group work. I hate test. I hate poly life.

Deep thoughts

2011-08-04T00:05:00.002+08:00

had a hearty dinner just now, my tummy is so bloated!

IS for this semester finally come to an end. I loathe this module like %$^&*&^ alot.

Currently, i'm lack of motivation in everthing i do. SOS

I'm having a life full of black and white. Where have all the colours gone to?

Mugging

2011-07-28T02:12:00.002+08:00

I’ve been mugging hard these few days to complete all my outstanding school works.

I’m sad to say that I still have a lot more to go and yet, MORE tests and presentations are coming up starting from this week. WHATHE.

Once again, I want to say that I AM SO STRESS. Perhaps, this kind of “stress” is good for me, because I begin to realise that I actually care for my studies. Unlike the past, I threw studies aside and do things according to my feelings.

Lesson learnt:

I control my feelings, not the other way round.

Trapped

2011-07-26T00:46:00.001+08:00

depressed

'm trapped in my tear.

Tedious day

2011-07-24T23:53:00.001+08:00

'm so gonna suffocate-.

It's not like i'm going to faint but seriously, i'm lacking sleep nowadays!
I'd only five hours of sleep yesterday night and this kills. I need at least nine full hours of sleep to get myself in a good state for the rest of the day.

'm pushing myself real hard.'

Too much things left undone...

It's weekend

2011-07-23T23:26:00.003+08:00

Weekdays passed so fast and it's Saturday night again.

These days, I've so many things in mind& life is becoming hectic for me. How I wish I could close my mind and erase all my thoughts. But, I just couldn’t.

School semester is coming to an end and this means that there’ll be humongous amount of revision needed for tests and exams. Late submission of tutorials& practical which are undone yet like whatheheck right? & projects, projects and MORE projects had to be done soon.

ALAMAK, I know I am not a studious freak. But at least I am doing my best to cope with this damn-it study stress right now.

‘ll be like a NO-LIFE dude for this entire 1 month until my exam week end.

Like seriously,

I AM SO STRESS I AM SO STRESS I AM SO STRESS I AM SO STRESS I AM SO STRESS

I AM SO STRESS I AM SO STRESS I AM SO STRESS I AM SO STRESS I AM SO STRESS
I AM SO STRESS I AM SO STRESS I AM SO STRESS I AM SO STRESS I AM SO STRESS

Up to the point that it's beyond words to describe how i feel. I just couldn’t think or feel anything at all and I'll find myself staring into space.

*Sigh*

I'm back

2011-07-22T00:37:00.002+08:00

Well...'m back into blogging after missing in action for the entire three long years. Life in between has been good-bad-worse-worsen and now, back to track again. My pathetic life cycle indeed.

Everything has an end to it. It hit me real hard one and half year ago when my life turned 360 degrees. Things got really bad for me that i once thought of giving up. It's all friendship, family and relationship that matters. It just bother me so much. Now, 'm still alive kicking, friendships or whatever, i don't really care. Or in fact, i do care? I just don't know.

This blog will serve as a platform for me to talk about my everyday life, true feelings and etc.

it's late now, heading for a good night rest soon. 'll be having a long day tomorrow.

goodbye. (: